Reflections of a very confused (and at times conflicted) individual


Use, Abuse, Maybe even a Goose

A while back I was trying to convince a guy I liked to get into a casual relationship with me.

And one of the things he was worried about was that we’d just be using each other.

I think that’s really interesting because yesterday I was looking at Kantian deontology, in which he states that we should never view people as a means, but as an end.

I disagree. I remember one time I heard Kanye West say that really, if you can’t use or be used by someone, then you’re just taking up space and you are useless. Don’t judge me too harshly, I don’t usually listen to celebrities and I think I only heard this because it was during some exam period (I always flick through daytime television when I’m meant to be studying, before getting exasperated at the terrible quality of it and switching to reading webcomics).

But I think he has a point. There’s that old cliche about people needing people and why would you need someone unless you can get something from them?

I don’t mean this in a taking advantage of others kind of way. The opposite, in fact.

For me, I’m a bit of a social whore – I know a LOT of people, and it gets really hard trying to meet up with everyone and maintain all these relationships. And sometimes I find myself wasting time on small talk that isn’t even entertaining and I catch myself and wonder why I’m bothering. What is the point of simply knowing people and forcing yourself to see them semi-regularly? It means that I often blow off people or turn them down because I just don’t have enough time to cycle through them all, and it makes me a not very good friend.

So I have a rule: I’m happy to say hello to anyone I see around the place, but I only make an effort with people who really interest me – someone with whom I feel an instant connection, someone who will push me and argue with me and challenge me, someone who is interested in similar things to myself and who I can drag out with me.

Which sounds so superficial and arrogant and it sometimes does worry me. It doesn’t seem to be enough to just be nice anymore, and sometimes I wonder if it should be, instead of having to assess people to see if they’re worth my time and effort and whether I’m willing to let them into my life.

But you can be nice to anyone, and it doesn’t mean anything really. So I like to think of it as akin to a jigsaw puzzle; you need to find people who will fill up your gaps or whose gaps you can fill, and click with. I honestly believe that any relationship should be based on what you can do for each other, because otherwise it just peters out into awkwardness and boredom.

Does that make me as horrible a person as Kanye West sometimes seems to be?


This is part of my new years resolution

Today wasn’t really particularly exceptional in any way.

But for some reason I’m really excited. I was in such a funk for part of these holidays because I felt really lost – I had no idea what I was doing with my life and I felt like I wasn’t really happy with where I was.

And I hate that because I really sincerely believe in always being happy – not that I think it’s easy or simple, but I think that if something’s making you upset, you change. And for me to have gotten in that state meant that I hadn’t done that.

And so I guess I feel happy because I realised today that I am going to be someone I can be proud of. I’m over being lazy and disorganized and using that as an excuse not to do anything with myself.

I’m going to get good marks at uni this year. I’m going to apply for internships. I’m going to type up my poems and submit them to UNSWeetened. I’m going to learn how to play my ukulele. I’m going to join Eamon’s choir.

I might even get a skateboard and figure out how to ride it. And depending on how busy uni seems I might do parkour and try to learn about lighting and sound with NUTS.

And of course I’m going to have crazy nights out and see all my favourite bands and dance wildly and dye my hair crazy colours and not be scared of anything.

When it rains it pours (a reference that you won’t understand unless you spent today with me. Which you didn’t)

Driving home tonight and I heard THIS:



I LOVE it – I heard Jolene so much as a child (it played pretty often at my place) but I think the White Stripes version is so different to the Dolly Parton original; to me, when I hear Dolly singing it the emotion doesn’t reeallly stand out, I just sing along happily and if I do think about it I feel like the song is about a woman who wants to keep her husband without any real reason because he’s already lost to her but she won’t let him go. Falling from Jack White’s lips it just sounded so much more raw, I got the sense that he already knew he’d lost his husband and the song was more of a painful lament.

I don’t know, maybe that just sounds like bs, but either way, I’m a fan.

On this day in history…(but not really)

Oh God I really need to figure out how to customize this blog, the colours are driving me insane! But all my photos and shit are on my other laptop which is dead because I’ve lost the charger amidst all the renovating and which I probably won’t find until we’re finished, in another two months.

In the meantime: I want to write a story (and that’s all I’ve got at the moment, until inspiration strikes- well actually I wrote a few lines down in a notebook but I’m lying on my beanbag and I’m too lazy to look for said notebook)

Also I learnt an important lesson about not wearing pants that adequately cover your butt when I got bitten by a mosquito on my right buttcheek the other week. How awkward…

Christmas (means a whole lot of sweetness)

I always forget how I’ve made things, so this is the Christmas cake I made last year. It’s got a lot of brandy, so some people won’t like it, but I totally love it and ended up eating a quarter pound for breakfast each day for a whole week.

Brandylicious Christmas Cake

  • 750g softened  butter (you can substitute whipping cream in for a few tablespoons of butter)
  • 600g self raising flour, sifted
  • 700g brown sugar
  • 3T breakfast marmalade
  • 2T honey
  • 2T strawberry jam
  • 2t cinnamon
  • 1/2 t nutmeg
  • 3t vanilla extract
  • 3/4t salt
  • 400ml – or more, it needs to be enough to soak the fruit and peel – brandy (make sure it’s good because you’ll really taste it in the cake)
  • 1k mixed fruit and candied peel
  • 2T orange juice
  • 250g coarsely ground almonds
  • 12 EXTRA LARGE eggs
  • flaked almonds to top
  • (you’ll need extra brandy if you plan on feeding the cake)

1. Soak the fruit, peel and nuts in brandy for a week or two before making the cake

2. About 3 days before making the cake add in the spices, jam, marmalade and honey

3. Cream the butter and sugar

4. Slowly add in the eggs and vanilla

5. Carefully fold in flour, salt and orange juice (we didn’t actually measure the flour, so more than 600g may be necessary)

6. VERY carefully fold in the fruit/nut/etc mixture

7. Sprinkle flaked almonds on top and bake at 180oC for about an hour (until a skewer poked into the middle comes out clean). While baking fill a tray with water and place it at the bottom of the oven (to make sure the cake is moist)

The cake tastes better the longer you leave it so you should make it at least a week before you plan on eating it.

I love this cake because we made it by just adding things, tasting, and adding more (so the recipe is entirely self-made) which means that it’s exactly according to my taste. Much awesomeness for me (but not so for anyone with differing tastes)

I made banana bread! (This is actually a very common occurence in my house because we always forget to eat our bananas and then we have no choice, but I still like exclamation marks)

I love cooking. For some people it’s just a chore but for me it’s an art (although there is a lot of science to it too). I love experimenting, and mixing things up in unexpected ways. And sometimes it ends terribly, but usually that’s part of the challenge – trying new things and finding ways to make something that tastes (or looks) terrible into something mouth watering and amazing.

Anyway, so I’m not really a big fan of banana bread. I don’t understand why so many people do seem to enjoy it so much. But we always seem to leave our bananas uneaten for too long at my place, and then the only things we can do with them are banana fritters or banana bread. Mom makes the banana fritters, I do the banana bread.

This is the recipe I put together last time – it’s not exact because I don’t actually use a recipe, I just keep adding things that I think will go well together until it looks and tastes like I imagine it should: keep in mind that it’s really not typical banana bread because I don’t like how the usual stuff tastes. Mine always needs to be nutty and rich and moist and not too banana-ey. And I’m totally boasting here but I can say that everyone who’s eaten it has liked it.


  • 200g sweetened dried figs, finely sliced
  • 2 eggs, lightly beaten
  • ½ cup brown sugar
  • 3 generous squirts of honey
  • 2 tablespoons butter, melted
  • 1½ teaspoon ground cinnamon
  • 1½ cups self-raising flour
  • 1 cup wholemeal bread flour
  • 2 T almond meal
  • 1 cup milk (substitute cream for part of the milk, if you have it)
  • 3 ripe medium bananas, mashed
  • ½ t salt
  • 2 t vanilla
  • Chopped almonds or walnuts (but not both!)

the photo isn't that great because I took it at uni

  1. Beat the butter and sugar and then, beating in between, add the honey, eggs, vanilla, salt, cinnamon, milk, and bananas
  2. Stir in the nuts (walnuts to taste, if you’re using them – if you’re using almonds don’t put them in), flours and almond meal
  3. Put into greased loaf tins, and top with figs and chopped nuts (be as generous as you like if you’re using almonds, if you’re using walnuts don’t put them on top)
  4. Bake at 180C in a fan forced oven until golden, about half an hour

ps. When I’m not in too much of a hurry and I want to make it even more awesome, I mix 1.5T of brown sugar with 1T of melted butter until dissolved (usually over a stove to make it faster) and brush the banana bread with this as soon as it comes out of the oven


I am an explorer
And you, dear stranger, are my new and exciting discovery
I want to run around insanely doing crazy things all the time
And you can be my playmate if you can keep up
But if you tease me and push me and challenge me
I may just fall in love with you
(fair warning)